Back again...for good?

So, not having written in here for awhile, I think I owe anyone still reading this an explanation.

Basically school really amped up the difficulty when I returned for winter quarter- harder than I expected. Nothing impossible to be sure, but it was unexpected. On top of that, I really have not felt as though anything significant has happened in my life, mentally/physically/spiritually. So, I didn't have anywhere to start.

But now, I guess I came to a few conclusions and here they are:

First off, I think I realize why I have difficulty getting into the "Christmas spirit." Historically, I have difficulty with the saccharine sweet atmosphere that pervades from (currently) mid-November to December 25th. I strongly dislike the consumerism and the overplayed Christmas commercials and certain Christmas songs (think along the lines of "I wanna Hippopotamus for Christmas," "All I Want for Christmas is my Two Front Teeth", "Blue Christmas," etc.). But...that isn't the real issue. Even after all of my venting to friends that this should be more of a religious holiday (as it well should be), I think I realized the bit of Christmas that both the secular and religious folk would agree on.

Getting out of ones mind and actually doing stuff.

Yeah, it wasn't until *after* I got away from my school (where I hang out with pretty much the same five or so people all the time usually in one of our rooms watching a movie or something) that I realized how great it is to actually get out of ones house/dorm room and do something. In the last week, I have hung out with ten or so different people and it was fantastic! Not just because it had been awhile since I had actually seen them (it had) but because I got out of my rut and actually did something for a change. Which is something I think both secular and religious Christmas would agree on- doing something different.

The second thing was that I realized I need to get back to writing. Not just on here, but back to the short stories I have been working on since freshman year (but mostly last year). I figured out that last year, I had basically written a decent short story every other week I had been in school. And if I actually want to do something with them, I should probably keep at it. Additionally, finishing a story gives me some kind of inner peace and relaxation that tells me "Hey, you actually did something. You made something new." I really video games and they are a wonderful stress relief, but they can't compare to that feeling. Food for though.

Lastly, and most importantly, I've been a bit...lackadaisical/apathetic/lost in my spiritual life. One of my friends has started up a Bible study among a few of us friends and some parts of it are...awkward to say a little. Kratos (my friend) talks about God speaking to him and...I have honestly never felt that feeling. Or at least not been cognizant of it. Truth to be told, my prayers at night feel like ritual but that it is a one way conversation with my not listening to what God wants. It's frustrating and I really don't know how to over come it. Kratos suggested reading the Bible and I said sure, and started at Genesis but found myself getting upset at various stories (don't even get me started on Lot's wives or Abraham almost sacrificing Isaac or Jacob's trickery being justification for stealing Esau's birthright). I mean, literal or figurative, I dislike some of the stories in the message that they convey. As a result, I get disheartened and close the book. Perhaps I'm not reading them correctly or don't have the correct mindset, but I have issues with those three stories. I admit, the problem is on my end and I need to work it out somehow.

How often I've had difficulty with these issues (and others), I really cannot say, but they need to be dealt with. My sister convinced me to go to a spiritual retreat this upcoming week and I can only hope that it will be able to help me.

But until then, for first time in awhile, I'm going to seriously meditate, pray and crack open that Bible. Hopefully, I will be able to sort some things out before the retreat and even moreso after. My fingers are crossed and morale is high. I will get through this.

To anyone reading this- Merry Chirstmas to you and yours! Christ is Born! Glorify Him!

-Reven