Aftermath: The End of the Beginning

So, I haven't written on here for awhile and I guess I just assumed that all you know that I made it back to the US alright. Life is good- I'm currently job hunting for upcoming breaks and next summer. So, if anyone knows of a hospital looking for a pharmacy intern...:) Ahem, shameless self plug.

So, I guess you all deserve some kind of closure. The flight back from Korea went well and without incident, save for a slight delay causing Miranda and I to have to run through LAX and almost have to cling to the landing gear from LAX to CLE. It's funny, the almost twelve hour flight from Inchon to LA was not a problem, but that last hour of the flight from LAX to CLE was just killer. I was never more happy to be on US soil after that.

Since I knew Miranda didn't like coffee, as we got off the plane at CLE, I asked her if she wanted to grab a beer sometime. She didn't really understand what I was asking, and said she'd be at the Beagle (local bar) the first weekend for friends parties. So...yeah. Not entirely a rejection, but it wasn't what I was looking for.

To wrap thing up with her, I guess I'm going to give up on Miranda. She's intellegent (far more so than me), attractive and driven- three things that I find to be great things. However, she's a little too hot and cold for me- I get the impression that under her armor of snappy snarky comebacks, she's really quite insecure and mistrusting (almost as though she had once been abandoned which if I had to guess was as the result of a very bad breakup or some problem with religion). I can appreciate both of those things, but I don't want to waste my time to try to earn the trust of someone I am not even thirty percent sure that I will earn ever.

Now, I hear you all balking: "Reven! But isn't that the type of girl you are drawn to? The powerful, smart girl who acts tough but is quite vunerable underneath and has a soft loveable center?"


Ok, ok. Fine. That is true. I can think of at least five examples of this general archetype of character in various forms of media that I have enjoyed at least off the very top of my head. But I guess the difference is that the girls in the various forms of media...while I like them....are just that- forms of media.
They aren't real people and while they were willing to open up to their significant others (depending on the work), Miranda has yet to allude to that being a possibility and as such, I think I'm just going to let her be.

Yeah, it's not exactly what I wanted, but I guess I have to accept that. Besides, she wasn't entirely my ideal girl but that's not to say that I would not have been happy with her (had she...y'know opened up). This whole not relationship (which would probably be the best term for it) caused me to reevaluate how I think about relationships and my future in that field.

I find it ironic that in the past I have dated girls who are not what I want to end up with- non-Orthodox (one Mormon, one non-practicing Catholic and one in the process of deconverting Lutheran), psycological issues (the last two) and unmotivated. So what am I doing here? As I have mentioned in previous posts, there are a severe lack of Orthodox girls that I know of in my personal age range who I would want to be with, so just with that one factor, I've pretty much cleared the board.

But is that a negative thing, necessarily? Some people would call it picky- I call it efficiency. I guess I don't have a problem dating a non-Orthodox (as I have yet to date one) but it really wouldn't be my ideal as it may just end up causing problems down the road. So, do I settle or go for what I want?

Tentatively, I'm going to go with the latter as I really am not interested in anyone right now. Unless some random transfer student or freshman girl totally knocks my socks off, I really don't anticipate becoming attracted to anyone in my pharmacy classes, I don't anticipate forming any serious relationships, which as much as I would love to have one- just doesn't look to be in the cards. However, if you personally know of someone that you think would work out well for me, let me know and I'll take it under consideration- I have had some pretty crappy relationships dating who I think I'd work out with so maybe someone else could point out what I can't see.

I guess I've also learned while in Korea to stop looking for approval of other people. Yes, I mean, I do want to please my family and my friends and those are always good to keep in mind, but I don't need to bend over backwards to impress or fit in with my peers especially at my college. Screw 'em- I won't have to see most of them at the end of the new two or three years, so why bother?

The time is now to refocus on those things that are important to me: my degree, my family and my friends. Religion and I are having a tough time right now, mostly due to conflicting personalities between me and the two or so priests that I deal with over the course of the year. That and I struggle with some major issues like why God should care about us at all or why on earth no one prays for Lucifer/Satan (not to support his endeavors but that he will repent and come to the light, so to speak) and have yet to get any satisfying answers. However, these particular thorns in my side are not enough to make me leave the church and in time I think I will be able to figure out answers or accept that none exist.

But that's ok. Life is a journey, right? I can accept that.


I am not sure what will become of this blog now. I used it to document my trip, but now since I really don't have any new trip to go on, I don't know if people would be interested in reading my turgid soap-opera college life. Regardless, I may forage on ahead and write just to clear my mind every once in awhile or perhaps more often then that. Ambigious? I think so. But, it's something I'll just have to figure out later...not unlike faith stuff, dating stuff and general people stuff. It's a bit of a theme, no? Heh.

But, I guess I want to say thanks for reading for these last few months through the interesting times and not so interesting times, the blahhh posts and the exciting ones, the doldrums and the frightful times. So...thanks for reading/posting/commenting. If you have any questions, you know where to find me.

-Reven