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I returned to the place that I worked this past summer just to say "hi" to my boss (I didn't work this summer due to being in Korea) and I really didn't like my work environment. The people I mainly worked within the pharmacy (the techs, not the pharmacist) were very catty, vicious and unforgiving. The commute was over forty minutes one way and it was not in the nicest of neighborhoods. Being a fledgling intern in such an environment is not entirely recommended. Though, I liked the pharmacists and the people other than the ones that worked in the pharmacy- mostly the cashiers, two of which near my age who were incredibly nice and the custodian/jack of all trades.
I guess, after visiting and having it go really well, especially with the cashiers, I realized that perhaps I'm not entirely forgettable. I mean, I thought that after it had been a year, people would just blow me off and ignore me but it was really cool as they seemed genuinely happy to see me. Goodness knows, it may continue into friendships after I leave there (whoops, did I just say that?).
Anyways, I guess the thing is that this happened on the heels of me attending church in my hometown for awhile and I have felt bitter about my home parish to the point where I was mentally ready not to come back during breaks. This was mostly due to flat out disagreeing with the priest on a few issues and not really feeling a solidarity with the place other than my family having gone there for a long time. But no sooner than I decide to leave then this guy who I really look up to (and am glad to call him friend) gave me an actual good-bye, as did a few other people whom I didn't entirely expect it from. The last of these people was the priest himself, who in the past has been quite impersonal to me, though he has turned over quite a new leaf in recent history. It...was just oddly reassuring.
Now, remember in the past that I really haven't had the best self image of myself and as such really discount the part I play in most social situations (here: church/work) and think of myself as mostly forgettable/fifth wheel/"that kid". Yeah, I know, not the healthiest, but it's what I was going with. But to return after Korea and leave back to school, it made me realize that I may actually be recognized/noticed by people around me, if not necessarily consciously all the time. I know it sounds elementary, but when one is an introvert and has the uncanny (and unfortunate) ability to feel completely alone in a roomful of people and doubt that if he was not there nothing would be different, it's quite a revelation.
Reason why this is important is that it goes towards my life goal, which is taken from the words of Horace Mann, an educator: "Be ashamed to die until you have won some victory for humanity."
A tall order to be sure. I'm not sure exactly how I'm going to accomplish it, but the current aim is to try to have a positive influence on others around me and hope that I finally will figure out what exactly this victory is. Though I have a somewhat nebulous view of what said victory is. In any event, realizing that I'm not just an invisible person and have some bearing on my environment (ok, I know it sounds elementary, but I'm rebuilding myself here...) is a step towards it. To quote from The Departed "I don't want to be a product of my environment- I want my environment to be a product of me."Anyways, I'm leaving for college in a few days. I have some things I need to accomplish- getting crap out of storage, moving a mature CD into my checking account, give blood, figure out where I stand with a female friend who is leaving the country for six months...yeah. A few things here and there. Anyways, I'll get them done and then some. Updates will be more frequent- need to keep writing daily to keep my typing and writing skills up. Oh, also a shout out to the guy who got me to continue, SC- thanks, man. I really appreciate it.
-Reven
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