Back again...for good?

So, not having written in here for awhile, I think I owe anyone still reading this an explanation.

Basically school really amped up the difficulty when I returned for winter quarter- harder than I expected. Nothing impossible to be sure, but it was unexpected. On top of that, I really have not felt as though anything significant has happened in my life, mentally/physically/spiritually. So, I didn't have anywhere to start.

But now, I guess I came to a few conclusions and here they are:

First off, I think I realize why I have difficulty getting into the "Christmas spirit." Historically, I have difficulty with the saccharine sweet atmosphere that pervades from (currently) mid-November to December 25th. I strongly dislike the consumerism and the overplayed Christmas commercials and certain Christmas songs (think along the lines of "I wanna Hippopotamus for Christmas," "All I Want for Christmas is my Two Front Teeth", "Blue Christmas," etc.). But...that isn't the real issue. Even after all of my venting to friends that this should be more of a religious holiday (as it well should be), I think I realized the bit of Christmas that both the secular and religious folk would agree on.

Getting out of ones mind and actually doing stuff.

Yeah, it wasn't until *after* I got away from my school (where I hang out with pretty much the same five or so people all the time usually in one of our rooms watching a movie or something) that I realized how great it is to actually get out of ones house/dorm room and do something. In the last week, I have hung out with ten or so different people and it was fantastic! Not just because it had been awhile since I had actually seen them (it had) but because I got out of my rut and actually did something for a change. Which is something I think both secular and religious Christmas would agree on- doing something different.

The second thing was that I realized I need to get back to writing. Not just on here, but back to the short stories I have been working on since freshman year (but mostly last year). I figured out that last year, I had basically written a decent short story every other week I had been in school. And if I actually want to do something with them, I should probably keep at it. Additionally, finishing a story gives me some kind of inner peace and relaxation that tells me "Hey, you actually did something. You made something new." I really video games and they are a wonderful stress relief, but they can't compare to that feeling. Food for though.

Lastly, and most importantly, I've been a bit...lackadaisical/apathetic/lost in my spiritual life. One of my friends has started up a Bible study among a few of us friends and some parts of it are...awkward to say a little. Kratos (my friend) talks about God speaking to him and...I have honestly never felt that feeling. Or at least not been cognizant of it. Truth to be told, my prayers at night feel like ritual but that it is a one way conversation with my not listening to what God wants. It's frustrating and I really don't know how to over come it. Kratos suggested reading the Bible and I said sure, and started at Genesis but found myself getting upset at various stories (don't even get me started on Lot's wives or Abraham almost sacrificing Isaac or Jacob's trickery being justification for stealing Esau's birthright). I mean, literal or figurative, I dislike some of the stories in the message that they convey. As a result, I get disheartened and close the book. Perhaps I'm not reading them correctly or don't have the correct mindset, but I have issues with those three stories. I admit, the problem is on my end and I need to work it out somehow.

How often I've had difficulty with these issues (and others), I really cannot say, but they need to be dealt with. My sister convinced me to go to a spiritual retreat this upcoming week and I can only hope that it will be able to help me.

But until then, for first time in awhile, I'm going to seriously meditate, pray and crack open that Bible. Hopefully, I will be able to sort some things out before the retreat and even moreso after. My fingers are crossed and morale is high. I will get through this.

To anyone reading this- Merry Chirstmas to you and yours! Christ is Born! Glorify Him!

-Reven

"I wanna be, I wanna be, I wanna be famous..."

I may have been a bit sleep deprived last night. This revelation was brought on after going to sleep at 12:40am last night and waking up around 1:40pm today. I never (read: rarely) sleep in past 10, so I may have been a bit tired from exam week. Anyways, after waking up to an empty house (sister still being at school, my dad at work and my mom running errands) I staggered downstairs and collapsed once more in the supine position on the couch. Finding the remote, I found that I recorded an episode of Total Drama Island. Smiling, I leaned back and enjoyed.

When I first came across this show, roughly around this summer, I was discussing cartoons with my roommate and we had made the declaration that 90s cartoons were the best ever. This was undeniably true (in our minds). We had Animaniacs, Pinky and the Brain, Beast Wars, Gargoyles among tens of others. And when we turned on the TV while studying, the newer shows often make us sigh in desperation and think of "better" times. So, one could imagine my derision when I saw in an online article that listed the best cartoons of this decade (so far). Wanting to justify my scorn, I found the first episode of TDI on youtube and started watching. Twenty-three minutes later- I was hooked and had one of my shoes firmly jammed in my mouth.


To explain, the concept of the show is that 22 teens (pictured above) are on this reality show called (you guessed it) Total Drama Island hosted by the jerkish host Chris McLean. It is a show within a show that openly lampoons the conventions of reality television while creating compelling drama of its own (sort of like what the movie Scream is to the slasher horror genre). Each of the characters is admittedly a stereotype- there is the goth girl, the juvenile delinquent, the nerd, the dumb blonde, the gentle giant, the party guy, the surfer girl, the queen bee among many others (though these are all played for laughs). However, in spite of each of the characters obviously being stereotypes, none are portrayed as the sole protagonist and all have flaws of some sort, which I find impressive. Obviously due to one character being voted off each episode, some characters end up better characterized than others, though there does not seem to be a bias for who should win upon the part of the writers. This being said, the viewer will root for whomever she or he wishes until the finale.

Now, the teens (pictured above)are competing on this island (as all reality shows must) for the chance at winning $100,000. They are divided into two teams and must compete in a series of challenges (some mental, the majority physical) in hopes to win. At the end of each episode, the losing team must vote off one of their members in a campfire ceremony where the member voted out boards the "boat of losers" and leaves the island.


Now, given that I am a college student, it is assumed that I should be watching South Park, Family Guy, Aqua Teen Hunger Force, Jersey Shore and House. I do enjoy SP and the odd episodes of House and ATHF (especially if I am especially sleep deprived) but I find myself turned off by the language and overall senseless vulgarity. This is not to say that TDI is not less than saintly- characters swear, vomit and one character (whom I cannot stand) frequently breaks wind. However, it isn't done in a way to turn me off- rather the characters all act quite human. Even though I cannot stand Owen (the aforementioned character), I still come back episode after episode.

It is not because I like reality television (which I cannot stand), but it is the incredible dialogue (my personal benchmark for shows I watch) that the genre savvy characters throw around that keeps me around. Take this line from the host (pictured below) as an example:

Chris: (to the audience) Hi. Sometimes teenagers just don't get along. So the producers thought what better than exploit it for ourselves! It's gonna be AWESOME!!

Yeah. That's pretty much the tone of the show. I would recommend it to anyone who can appreciate parodies of reality series, witty dialogue and dark humor. I'll return to more mature writings tomorrow- just needed to get back in the groove of writing every day.

-Reven

Anticipation and such

So, I came home from school today- first time in eleven weeks. It's been awhile.

From my college in western Ohio to the suburb of Cleveland where I live is roughly three or so hours according to Google maps. Since my roommate, Jack, lives around Cleveland, I drop him off at a location where our paths split and his parents take him the remaining half hour home.

This being said, our drive home consists of me driving and him passed out in my passenger seat due to having been awake for thirty or so hours studying for a given exam. His iPod earbuds are in and- while Jack is a great guy- his earbuds are of not the best quality. Even when he doesn't have the sound blasting, I can hear clear lyrics from his earbuds. Yes, maybe not the highest quality. But, I joke about it and he takes it in stride. In order not to wake him up, I kept my music off until I dropped him off.

And then, I smiled as I was around Cleveland and knew that I would be able to listen to my favorite radio channel. Now, I know it sounds silly, but I like to enjoy the little things in life and hearing 106.5 on the drive home just works for me. Turning the knob, I smile in anticipation as I expected to hear some rock or alternative song soothing my ears from the silent drive. I was...disappointed.
Christmas music began to fill my minivan- well, the parts of it that didn't have roughly fifty pounds of dirty laundry and other assorted objects I was taking him. It filled the car as I groaned in defeat. This couldn't be happening. It is November 18th. Over a month before Christmas.


As the blithe chorus of Feliz Navidad pounded against my head, I thought back to Halloween. One of my friends in my pharmacy class was hosting a party for her kids and needed some guys (read: me and my friends) to put on face paint, hide out in her backyard and scare her kids. Now, this was no difficult feat- children normally run screaming from me (ha ha), but finding face paint one day before Halloween was interesting as when I went into the Rite Aid across from my college- I really had to look for it. This was not because there was a lack of face paint- there were a few kits- but because all of the Halloween stuff was being cast aside for Christmas stuff. October 30th. Yikes.

I guess I have had a problem with Christmas- not so much the holiday itself, but the way that it is celebrated. For the purpose of this post, I think I am going to restrict my scope to the anticipation of Christmas, not so much the commercialization (at this point).


To be fair, I am Orthodox Christian, and the fasting for forty days before the Nativity that a number of faithful do is indeed anticipating the holiday. However, I draw the line at bombardment with Christmas ads and music. I mean, there are some Christmas songs that I like and some ads that aren't that bad, but I think the constant stream of them diminishes their value and by association- the holiday itself. Perhaps tomorrow I will go into some things I actually like about Christmas. To specify my terminology in future posts, Christmas is the secular holiday celebrated December 25th while the Nativity is the term I will use for the religious holiday celebrated December 25th.

Getting back to my original point, I think the fact that the celebration and anticipation for Christmas beginning so early really hurts the holiday itself. For one, how long could one stay excited for some event? How long could one sustain energy and fervor for a holiday? For me, maybe two weeks, depending on the holiday. But since the Christmas frenzy is starting in mid November, I may be burned out before December rears its head. I suppose I may have trouble getting excited for Christmas and the Nativity because I cannot focus solely on the holiday- moreso the tests and papers that will inevitably be assigned and stand between me and my journey home. I suppose I should feel more motivated for the Nativity, but it so difficult with so many early cares dragging one down. Hmm. Maybe I shall have to think on that some more.

Again, sorry for my delay in writing- it has been a hectic quarter and I need to ease myself back into the whole "writing every day" thing.

-Reven

There's always something...

So, today was an interesting day. Even though it is past 11 in the evening, I've only been awake since 1pm ish. I thought it wouldn't happen to me but summer insomnia hit me like a frying pan.

I returned to the place that I worked this past summer just to say "hi" to my boss (I didn't work this summer due to being in Korea) and I really didn't like my work environment. The people I mainly worked within the pharmacy (the techs, not the pharmacist) were very catty, vicious and unforgiving. The commute was over forty minutes one way and it was not in the nicest of neighborhoods.

Being a fledgling intern in such an environment is not entirely recommended. Though, I liked the pharmacists and the people other than the ones that worked in the pharmacy- mostly the cashiers, two of which near my age who were incredibly nice and the custodian/jack of all trades.

I guess, after visiting and having it go really well, especially with the cashiers, I realized that perhaps I'm not entirely forgettable. I mean, I thought that after it had been a year, people would just blow me off and ignore me but it was really cool as they seemed genuinely happy to see me. Goodness knows, it may continue into friendships after I leave there (whoops, did I just say that?).

Anyways, I guess the thing is that this happened on the heels of me attending church in my hometown for awhile and I have felt bitter about my home parish to the point where I was mentally ready not to come back during breaks. This was mostly due to flat out disagreeing with the priest on a few issues and not really feeling a solidarity with the place other than my family having gone there for a long time. But no sooner than I decide to leave then this guy who I really look up to (and am glad to call him friend) gave me an actual good-bye, as did a few other people whom I didn't entirely expect it from. The last of these people was the priest himself, who in the past has been quite impersonal to me, though he has turned over quite a new leaf in recent history. It...was just oddly reassuring.

Now, remember in the past that I really haven't had the best self image of myself and as such really discount the part I play in most social situations (here: church/work) and think of myself as mostly forgettable/fifth wheel/"that kid". Yeah, I know, not the healthiest, but it's what I was going with.

But to return after Korea and leave back to school, it made me realize that I may actually be recognized/noticed by people around me, if not necessarily consciously all the time. I know it sounds elementary, but when one is an introvert and has the uncanny (and unfortunate) ability to feel completely alone in a roomful of people and doubt that if he was not there nothing would be different, it's quite a revelation.

Reason why this is important is that it goes towards my life goal, which is taken from the words of Horace Mann, an educator: "Be ashamed to die until you have won some victory for humanity."

A tall order to be sure. I'm not sure exactly how I'm going to accomplish it, but the current aim is to try to have a positive influence on others around me and hope that I finally will figure out what exactly this victory is. Though I have a somewhat nebulous view of what said victory is. In any event, realizing that I'm not just an invisible person and have some bearing on my environment (ok, I know it sounds elementary, but I'm rebuilding myself here...) is a step towards it. To quote from The Departed "I don't want to be a product of my environment- I want my environment to be a product of me."

Anyways, I'm leaving for college in a few days. I have some things I need to accomplish- getting crap out of storage, moving a mature CD into my checking account, give blood, figure out where I stand with a female friend who is leaving the country for six months...yeah. A few things here and there. Anyways, I'll get them done and then some. Updates will be more frequent- need to keep writing daily to keep my typing and writing skills up. Oh, also a shout out to the guy who got me to continue, SC- thanks, man. I really appreciate it.

-Reven

So, I lied...

Even though I said I'd stay away from the subject for awhile, due to personal circumstances and Katja Geist suggesting it (due to personal circumstances in her own life), the topic for the upcoming week (beginning on Tuesday) is going to be relationships. Yes...I lied. Please don't throw tomatoes at me....will write more tomorrow.

-Reven

Only Mostly Dead

So, here I am again. After four or so days of consideration, I've decided to keep this blog up and running indefinitely.

I guess there could be some degree of surprise as why I may be doing this-critics could honestly that I'm not studying abroad anymore, I'm not out of the United States and let's face it, my life is arguably not that interesting now that I've lost the previous two elements, so why read?

Excellent point, critics. And that's one I really don't have an answer for. I guess if you want to read the ramblings of some other incredibly fortunately white Midwestern American, there is a seemingly infinite supply of that in the blogsphere. However, I'll be trying to present mine with minimal angst and a frank analysis of how I view the world. I'll go into who I am, where I am going and what I want out of life.

No small task, and I don't blame any of you if you don't want to hang around. My views and thoughts may offend, but that is a part of life- just thought I should forewarn. Also, after looking back at a number of my earlier posts, I noted that I seem to be focused on the whole relationship/significant other bit and while that is important to me, it should not be the focus of this blog (as that is one of the three or so main sources of angst, in my opinion). If you have any topics you would like me to discuss, I would be quite willing to do so but if not, I'll just talk about whatever pops into my mind that day.

I do not have a more of a clear direction than that, but I expect that when I return to school in the fall, there will be a bit of a narrative about pharmacy school. But until then, I'll be a bit more amorphous and talking about random stuff. I'm thinking of doing week long discussions, but I have to plan those out before I actually go ahead with it. So...yeah. Hope you enjoy reading!

-Reven

Aftermath: The End of the Beginning

So, I haven't written on here for awhile and I guess I just assumed that all you know that I made it back to the US alright. Life is good- I'm currently job hunting for upcoming breaks and next summer. So, if anyone knows of a hospital looking for a pharmacy intern...:) Ahem, shameless self plug.

So, I guess you all deserve some kind of closure. The flight back from Korea went well and without incident, save for a slight delay causing Miranda and I to have to run through LAX and almost have to cling to the landing gear from LAX to CLE. It's funny, the almost twelve hour flight from Inchon to LA was not a problem, but that last hour of the flight from LAX to CLE was just killer. I was never more happy to be on US soil after that.

Since I knew Miranda didn't like coffee, as we got off the plane at CLE, I asked her if she wanted to grab a beer sometime. She didn't really understand what I was asking, and said she'd be at the Beagle (local bar) the first weekend for friends parties. So...yeah. Not entirely a rejection, but it wasn't what I was looking for.

To wrap thing up with her, I guess I'm going to give up on Miranda. She's intellegent (far more so than me), attractive and driven- three things that I find to be great things. However, she's a little too hot and cold for me- I get the impression that under her armor of snappy snarky comebacks, she's really quite insecure and mistrusting (almost as though she had once been abandoned which if I had to guess was as the result of a very bad breakup or some problem with religion). I can appreciate both of those things, but I don't want to waste my time to try to earn the trust of someone I am not even thirty percent sure that I will earn ever.

Now, I hear you all balking: "Reven! But isn't that the type of girl you are drawn to? The powerful, smart girl who acts tough but is quite vunerable underneath and has a soft loveable center?"


Ok, ok. Fine. That is true. I can think of at least five examples of this general archetype of character in various forms of media that I have enjoyed at least off the very top of my head. But I guess the difference is that the girls in the various forms of media...while I like them....are just that- forms of media.
They aren't real people and while they were willing to open up to their significant others (depending on the work), Miranda has yet to allude to that being a possibility and as such, I think I'm just going to let her be.

Yeah, it's not exactly what I wanted, but I guess I have to accept that. Besides, she wasn't entirely my ideal girl but that's not to say that I would not have been happy with her (had she...y'know opened up). This whole not relationship (which would probably be the best term for it) caused me to reevaluate how I think about relationships and my future in that field.

I find it ironic that in the past I have dated girls who are not what I want to end up with- non-Orthodox (one Mormon, one non-practicing Catholic and one in the process of deconverting Lutheran), psycological issues (the last two) and unmotivated. So what am I doing here? As I have mentioned in previous posts, there are a severe lack of Orthodox girls that I know of in my personal age range who I would want to be with, so just with that one factor, I've pretty much cleared the board.

But is that a negative thing, necessarily? Some people would call it picky- I call it efficiency. I guess I don't have a problem dating a non-Orthodox (as I have yet to date one) but it really wouldn't be my ideal as it may just end up causing problems down the road. So, do I settle or go for what I want?

Tentatively, I'm going to go with the latter as I really am not interested in anyone right now. Unless some random transfer student or freshman girl totally knocks my socks off, I really don't anticipate becoming attracted to anyone in my pharmacy classes, I don't anticipate forming any serious relationships, which as much as I would love to have one- just doesn't look to be in the cards. However, if you personally know of someone that you think would work out well for me, let me know and I'll take it under consideration- I have had some pretty crappy relationships dating who I think I'd work out with so maybe someone else could point out what I can't see.

I guess I've also learned while in Korea to stop looking for approval of other people. Yes, I mean, I do want to please my family and my friends and those are always good to keep in mind, but I don't need to bend over backwards to impress or fit in with my peers especially at my college. Screw 'em- I won't have to see most of them at the end of the new two or three years, so why bother?

The time is now to refocus on those things that are important to me: my degree, my family and my friends. Religion and I are having a tough time right now, mostly due to conflicting personalities between me and the two or so priests that I deal with over the course of the year. That and I struggle with some major issues like why God should care about us at all or why on earth no one prays for Lucifer/Satan (not to support his endeavors but that he will repent and come to the light, so to speak) and have yet to get any satisfying answers. However, these particular thorns in my side are not enough to make me leave the church and in time I think I will be able to figure out answers or accept that none exist.

But that's ok. Life is a journey, right? I can accept that.


I am not sure what will become of this blog now. I used it to document my trip, but now since I really don't have any new trip to go on, I don't know if people would be interested in reading my turgid soap-opera college life. Regardless, I may forage on ahead and write just to clear my mind every once in awhile or perhaps more often then that. Ambigious? I think so. But, it's something I'll just have to figure out later...not unlike faith stuff, dating stuff and general people stuff. It's a bit of a theme, no? Heh.

But, I guess I want to say thanks for reading for these last few months through the interesting times and not so interesting times, the blahhh posts and the exciting ones, the doldrums and the frightful times. So...thanks for reading/posting/commenting. If you have any questions, you know where to find me.

-Reven