Day 28- Epiphanies

So, classes went normally today for the most part. History was about North Korea which seems to have an easier history (as in easier to remember, the history of the country has been rather difficult) and remembering the leaders wasn't quite that difficult as there have only been a couple- Kim Jong Il and his father. The final for that is tomorrow and when we asked the teacher about the exam, she basically admitted that she lowered the difficulty of the exam from the midterm level. Why did you do that, asked the class, did we screw up the midterm that badly?

Err, she said, and abruptly changed the subject.

Yikes. And she never gave us the exams back either so...yikes.

As for language, final in there tomorrow as well, though I am not especially too worried about the exam even though the class is much harder than history for me. The teacher just seems so nice that I doubt she'd fail any of us even if we really screwed up. Now, I'm not going to slack off in the slightest (rather, I'll work harder) but I'm not concerned about failing it.

So, as I alluded to the other day, I had a few epiphanies- three to be exact and I'll probably go over them in order of impact from arguably least to greatest.

First up, I've sorta come to the conclusion that I like Miranda. This little discovery occurred a few days ago while drinking a Jaggerbomb with her and a few other people and looking across the table at her and realizing "Hey...she's cute, really intelligent and interesting. I like her." I'm not sure if this is a recent development or just me *realizing* it is recent. The ironic thing is that I can think that it was only two or so weeks ago that I was grumbling about her snarkiness and whatnot and here I find myself fully realizing that I like her.

Anyways, I've been talking to her more over the course of this trip and she seems to have warmed up to me a great deal since her terse responses at the airport 27 days ago. Maybe it's mutual? In any event, at least I know where I mentally stand with her and who knows? Maybe something will come of it. I haven't asked any girls out since Aerith (NOT the fictional character, a girl from the last school year) burned me really bad spring quarter. Perhaps this needs to change soon.

Next, I came to the realization that I have a bad self image of myself. Ok, possibly I'm overstating the obvious, however I really do. While I view myself as an anti-social nerd with bad people skills, maybe that isn't the impression that everyone else is getting. I was talking to Brian the other day and I basically described myself as a huge nerd. He disagreed saying that he never got that impression from me. Confused, I didn't press him any further on the issue. But, me? Not a dorky nerd? How could *that* be? It's been my archetype for years!

At around the same time, I was talking to another friend, Riley (female) online and describing my relationship issues (this was pre-Miranda) and I made the joke that I'm only popular with the ladies when I'm a foreigner. Riley laughed at that, but said that I don't nearly give myself enough credit and that I really don't know how much I have going for me. Confused, but not willing to pursue the matter any further, I dropped it and pondered it.

So, perhaps I'm more than a nerd after all. Maybe I have people skills and more assets than I really realize. As Riley said "I've seen how you pack and I know that there is more than enough room for some confidence." This is perhaps true. Maybe if I finally unlocked some confidence, I'd see a lot of things change. Or, maybe not so much see things change, but have my outlook change and realize how things really are. That's probably a sentence fragment or something, but the point stands.

The last thing is linked to the one above it in that I've realized that the depression that I've experienced for a long time is really baseless. Yes, that's right. Totally and completely baseless. Without a point, without a reason.


Talking to CE Roman, he told me flat out (which I agree with) that my life has been mostly one positive experience. I really had not thought too much about it prior to that point but he's right. I've had a stable family, good schooling, a mostly stable group of friends in high school and somewhat of a clear path of my future. What do I honestly have to complain about?

Ok, there's the obligatory angst about not having someone that I could closely mentally bond with that could lead to a long term relationship when roughly half of my friends seem to be in close relationships with someone else or engaged to be married. But, really, that's par for the course. Why let that still bother me now when I've been angstily processing that for years?

Why do I listen to mostly depressing music (as my sister and roommate both point out)? Why do I find myself drawn to depressing movies/TV shows/book series? Looking back at my favorite books/TV series/movies/video games in recent history a good number of them have tragic ending for quite a few of the characters. Let's take a look at just a few:

SPOILERS!SPOILERS!SPOILERS!



-The Dark Knight- mostly depressing ending as the Joker arguably wins
-Animorphs- In addition to having a "war is hell" theme for the entirety of the series, Rachel dies in the penultimate book and the remainder of the team pilots a Bug Fighter into the Blade Ship
-Angel (the series)- Similar ending to Animorphs with the majority of the main cast either dead or physically weak and bravely staring down a massive army of demons, dragons and assorted baddies
-Final Fantasy X- Just...so much sad stuff. Yuna's reason for her pilgrimage, Yuna's faith shattering, Tidus discovering the true nature of his existence and who (rather *what*) his father has become, Auron's backstory...man.
-God of War- Opens with the suicide of Kratos...and with decent reason as you find out later.
-Martin the Warrior (Redwall)- My arguably favorite book of the Redwall series (tied with Redwall itself) ends with the death of Laterose which disturbed me for days afterwards. Come to think of it, Redwall (the novel) also had the deaths of Brother Methuselah and Abbot Mortimer, both of which were rough.
-Macbeth- Man...everything after Act I is depressing. I've memorized the "Tomorrow and Tomorrow and Tomorrow" speech...nihlism at its best!
-Hamlet- Yeah....out of a cast of about eight or so main characters, pretty much everyone dies in the end. Save for Horatio.
-Beast Wars- By the end, most of the cast has been killed off. However, the deaths of Dinobot ("Code of Hero" is probably one of the best episodes of television I have ever watched) and Transmutate stick out.
Kingdom Hearts- Of all things...of course I have to like Roxas and Namine more than their counterparts...what the heck? Why? Why do I have Roxas's theme as roughly 10 on iTunes?

END SPOILERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!




Is this me appreciating good drama or actively seeking out what is depressing? You be the judge. Now, there is stuff that I enjoy that *IS NOT* depressing or emo in the slightest such as most episodes of Scrubs and Psych as well as Jeopardy (yes, the game show). I play lighthearted games such as Team Fortress 2, Pokemon Heart Gold and Super Smash Bros. Brawl. I read humorous books and enjoy them. So, why then do I end up being excessively snarky and cynical at times?

The answer: I honestly don't know.

But, I don't think I really matters. I guess what I've learned as a result is that I need to just move on mentally and stop being such an emo wuss because I honestly don't have that much to complain about in the grand scale of things and should go into situations with a much more positive outlook. I'm a Orthodox Christian, fourth year pharmacy student with decent creative writing skill (or so I've been told) and know (roughly) where I'm going. So there are going to be bumps in the road- I'm going to screw tests up, I'm going to fail at a few relationships. Whatever. Par for the course. Things always work out in the end anyways, so why worry?

Anyways, I guess I'll wrap this up with an open apology for any of you (probably all of you at some point) who have had to listen to my whining at one point or another. I've seen the stupidity of my complaints and am moving on. If I start going off on some "oh, poor me" rant, tell me to shut up and wake up. Life's too short to agonize over petty things. But, to quote a famous zombie slayer and his certain set of rules: Enjoy the little things!

And so I shall.

-Reven