So, over the last few days especially, I have felt kinda crappy. Just being honest here. So, how come? Ah, therein lies the kicker. See the thing is that I've had a hard time with several things: my faith, my abilities as a pharmacist (intern currently, but still) and my hope of a future long term relationship.
In order of least bugging me: abilities as a pharmacist. I go to a very competitive school for pharmacy and let's just say that I am astounded every day at the intelligence of people in my pharmacy class. I truly have the privilege of being around some of the best and brightest people I know. This is not that I especially like all of them, but I do have a great deal of respect for them. I mean, a number of them are presidents in wide assortment of clubs and organization and still are able to do incredibly well in class, while I'm (occasionally) left in the dust. Thankfully, I have a few really good friends who have stuck by me the last couple years at school and together we've made it through really well. Also, I'm going to thank someone especially important to me (but since I do not want to use actual names, I'll just give her a pseudonym as well)- "June." June is a pharmacy student a year ahead of me in school and she's been incredible- she's shown me old tests and talked to me about how to approach classes and teachers. She's really been a Godsend and I'm truly blessed to know someone as nice and amazing as her.
What concerns me the most is my ability to find a job and do it well. I've been decent at schoolwork and studying for exams and stuff of that ilk, but it often concerns me that I won't be able to properly utilize it in the workforce and look like a complete and total fool. I mean, just having a knowledge base and being able to be a successful professional are two different things. And I'm just concerned that I will only have the former rather than the both. I suppose that's just a level of insecurity that I will only be book smart and not be able to "think." Perhaps that's putting it vaguely. Maybe a better phrase would be that I'd only know facts and be unable to analyze and apply. Yes. That's it. My entire aim of getting into the health care profession is to make a difference. Screw the money- that's not that interesting to me. I just want to help people, as cliche as it sounds, that's my aim. I don't know how I'm going to do it, but I want to.
Next up on the hit parade of uncertainty is the whole prospect of finding a long term partner. At a graduation party, a kind woman from my church asked me if I had found a girlfriend yet. To which I replied (possibly a bit too bluntly) that I hadn't found anyone worth the time, money and effort just yet. Of course, this was prefaced by a wry smile and a slight laugh afterwards, so hopefully she didn't I was too callous. Perhaps it's a blunt way of putting it and more severe than I actually feel (I can do that occasionally when speaking).
As much as I disdain the whole practice of dating and (especially) marriage, perhaps it's a bit of a reaction formation (Psych 101, anyone?). I don't know if I've actually stated this in this blog (maybe?) but my cycle of bitterness generally lasts a week, culminating in a dream (I rarely dream- or more properly, I don't remember my dreams very often) in which I find myself with a female that I care about in some clearly long term or marriage situation- usually just me and some female whom I care about watching TV on a couch or something. Yeah, my romantic dreams are a bit lacking in the PG-13/R department, sorry to disappoint. So, despite my outwardly projected bitterness/indifference, I'm a romantic at heart. So, now that's cleared up, the problem is finding someone who I would actually want to share that with.
But isn't that always the issue? I know I'm not the first young adult angstily whining about not having a relationship, and I damn well sure will not be the last. I'm not looking for *a* relationship, but *the* relationship. Important distinction, or so I think. The problem is finding someone who A) shares my same religion (hello, Orthodox Christian ladies!) which is quite the religious minority B) have compatible life goals with me and C)splices well with my personality and skills (ie where I would be weak, she would need to be strong, and vice versa- we'd have to make a good team). But, after numerous setbacks (including one or two particularly rough ones this past school year), I had lost hope. But, considering how huge this world is, probability dictates it'll happen sometime. That's a bit of a relief, even though judging by the people I've meet at college, it will not happen *any* time soon. But, I'm getting better at accepting that somewhere out there, another person wants the same things I do and somehow, someway we'll cross paths. Which leads me to my third point:
So, I've been reading the Bible, legit reading it cover to cover (made it through Genesis) is my goal. And quite frankly, God comes across as a bit petty and cruel in some parts ie Babel, destroying the world by flood (instead of doing something to help the "wicked" people repent change their ways). Sarah's jealousy left me a bit disconcerted that I had not heard of it before (though I still like the name). Likewise, Jacob's trickery and the bigamy of Abrahan, Isaac and Jacob (which are very clear no-no's thereafter) really are jarring. The part that literally made my jaw drop was after the part with Lot leaving Sodom (and he offered his virgin daughters the the crowd of men surrounding his house! But that, which shocking wasn't the worst) with his two daughters, the latter of whom get their father drunk and have sex with him on two following nights. Holy. Crap. Incest *and* bigamy? Oh my goodness.
The scariest thing (for me) was not that these stories were in the book (though that was pretty close) but why on earth I was just reading them for the first time? Why had these stories never come up in Sunday school? Because they were scary? Yes, true, true. But, it was disturbing reading them as a 21 year old. So, after reading these slightly less lovely bits, I'm determined to finish.
As much as my faith has basically been damaged by the past year(s), I'm still able to stand by it and am willing to die for it as odd as it sounds. Even though I blantantly disagree with stories and sections of the central book of my faith, I still stick by it. Is this due to fear of being alone if I go off? No. I guess, my logic, horrible as it is, is that I can't possibly be the first person to have these questions and to stick with it. So, even though I may or may not find the answers that I'm looking for, I can rest assured that I'm not alone.
So, I guess that's the theme of this post. I'm not alone, I guess, even though it sure feels like it. I'm not sure exactly what led me to this mind dump. I guess having doubts about the three above subjects for weeks on end and realizing that in the end, I'm not as alone as I may think. Here's to the new week.
-Reven
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